Acknowledge Your Needs and Just Pause

Posted on March 2nd, 2015 by & filed under Everything Miz Meliz, Valued by QBeats, Workshops and Webinars

This is part five of the six posts in the series on Getting Your Rear in Gear for the Year. In this series, I share my favorite tools that help me stay balanced and focused in my life, in my work, and on my blog. This post is valued by QBeats. See my post on why I believe some things are worth paying for. Please support this blog, so I can continue to bring you valuable content.

“Wait, Pause!”

created with Canva by Melissa Reyes for http://mizmeliz.com all rights reserved photograph by Melissa Reyes copyright 2-23-15

In Define Your Style Envision Your Life’s Goals, I shared how I define my personal style and determine the core values behind my goals using a VISION BOARD. I showed you how making a MIND MAP can be useful to map out the steps needed to get where you want to go in Mind Map Your Intentions and See the Big Picture. I explained how having a FOCUS WORD, in It’s Never Too Late to Set a Focus – Decide on One Word Now, can help with inspiration and motivation while being true to yourself and your life’s ambitions. What tool has been most helpful to you?Reflect & Focus 5

If It is Slowing You Down and Causing Overwhelm, Stop Doing It

In this post I will share an extremely valuable tool that some would say is the most difficult to put into practice. I assure you, once you get the hang of it, it is really rather simple. It’s about not doing things. I hope to empower you to take a look at all the things you are doing right now and decide to stop doing some of them. I will also show you how it makes sense to say, “Thank you, but no thank you.” when you are asked to take on more than you should. I promise, no one will hate you. In fact, they will admire you for knowing your capabilities and always following through on the things you commit yourself to doing. I will help you to be prepared to say, “Yes” to the person, but “No” to the action.

So, think about it. Ask yourself these questions and take some notes:

  • What bogs you down?
  • What sets you back?
  • What are you doing now that takes you away from your focus?
  • What would happen if you started saying “No”?
  • What might happen if you simply stopped doing some of these things?

Some things that might come to mind for you could be like most Americans. We are caring for our older parents, we are over-committed at our jobs, we are volunteering at our kids’ schools, we are dealing with the demands of home ownership and/or maintenance, we are struggling to manage it all while trying to stay fit and healthy.

This may be the busy season at work, or you could be expecting a child, planning a trip, or going to school. All of these things are necessary parts of your life. You don’t want to give Inspiredfor2015_sclb5anything up. You can’t. You have been told to set goals and work towards making them happen. You have been planning and preparing and your time is now. “Think big.” “Fake it till you make it.” We have heard it before. We believe we can do it all.

Well. Now I am saying, you can stop. You can stop doing it all at once. We talked about envisioning our true desires and picturing our future selves. We talked about creating a plan to get there. We talked about having a focus that guides us along the way. Now, it is time to look at what we are doing right now. What can we stop doing to give us the time and energy to do our very best work on everything else? How can we pare back the big thorn bush of our lives and show off those amazing roses? How can we prepare ourselves to continue shining brightly all year long? I do it by saying, “No.”

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It isn’t easy. I want to do it all. But I simply can’t. It isn’t possible at the moment. Over time, yes – absolutely! But like my mom always said, “All things in moderation.” Well, she was always right!

So, What IS on Your Stop Doing List?

“If you are going to realize your intentions, what you stop doing is just as important as what you start and continue to do. This is where “quitting” crosses over to enlightenment. You know how to go, go, go. Stopping however, is the stuff smiling Zen masters with all the time in the world.” ~Danielle LaPorte

Time to get out your notebook:

  • Think about last year and as Danielle LaPorte says, “get very clear about what sucked.”
  • What didn’t work?
  • What made you feel resentful, guilty, unhappy?
  • What weighed you down or held you back? I used to call it my jello days – when it felt like I was wading through jello to just make it a few steps forward.
  • These things are what make you feel overwhelmed and keep you from what you are meant to do.
  • What will you stop doing now? List at least three things that you will stop doing, starting right now.

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If It Doesn’t Fit Into Your Plan it is Okay to Say “No, Thanks”

We are negotiating and working out deals all the time. Be a master negotiator. We may be negotiating for our business and/or blog, with our family and friends, all the time – whether we like it or not. Yet, when we are asked to do a project or favor or to sign up for our children’s school or activities, we feel obligated to just say, “Why, yes, of course you can count on me.”

Take out your notebook and jot down some answers to these questions:

  • Why do I feel I should always do these things, every time, even when I know it is not in my best interest?
  • List all the reasons that come to mind.
  • What would I say if given the chance to negotiate?
  • What terms are important to me when I accept a new responsibility?

Here are some of the most common reasons we tend to say yes all the time: fear of rejection, not wanting to disappoint people, being a people pleaser, being a fixer, having a reputation to uphold, feeling obligated, wanting to make a good impression, it is a tradition, it is an opportunity I don’t want to pass up, it may be the only chance like this, it could be a chance of a lifetime, I am honored because they asked me. Me!

Besides, it is impolite to say no. I was taught to be gracious. I am a positive person. Saying no seems negative. It makes me feel like a failure.

Read these posts and tell me what you think:

How to Stop Saying “Yes” When You Want to Say “No”  (from TinyBuddha)

“I realized that I was afraid of saying “no” because my biggest fear is rejection. I was afraid that every time I did this, I would disappoint someone, make them angry, hurt their feelings, or appear unkind or rude.” ~Chantalle Gerber

Chantalle Gerber offers these helpful tips for saying “no”:

  • Be direct, such as “no, I can’t” or “no, I don’t want to…”
  • Don’t apologize and give all sorts of reasons
  • Don’t lie. Lying will most likely lead to guilt, and that is what you want to avoid feeling.
  • Remember it is better to say no now than be resentful later.
  • Be polite, such as, “Thanks for asking.”
  • Practice saying, “no.” Imagine yourself in a situation and then practice saying no either by yourself or with a friend. This will help you feel comfortable saying “no.”
  • Don’t say, “I’ll think about it.” if you mean “no.” This will just prolong the situation and cause you stress.
  • Remember that your self-worth does not depend on how much you do for others.

Tweet this>> “Your self-worth does not depend on how much you do for others.”

 

“Yes” to the Person, “No” to the Task  (From MindTools)

You are a negotiator, even if you don’t think of yourself as one! But how well do you negotiate? Do you know how to recognize situations where negotiating is appropriate? And do you understand the elements of an effective negotiation?

Even though the extents of our negotiations vary, one principle remains the same: when both parties win, the outcome is often better. Whether someone asks you for a favor, or you need to agree on terms for a contract or project, you must collaborate to achieve a win-win solution.

When you collaborate, you consider everyone’s needs. Therefore, even if you have to say “no” to something, you’re still concerned about finding a way to get the other person’s needs met, and this allows you to say “yes” to the person.

Integration and collaboration are keys to this process. So, the next time you have to negotiate, look for a way to meet everyone’s needs, rather than leave one side with little or nothing.

created on Canva by Melissa Reyes all rights reserved copyright 2-24-2015 Melissa Reyes for http://mizmeliz.com

“Focus on the Right Things” ~Peter Bregman

Time for your note book. Get a new color ink pen and write your answers big and bold:

  • What is your Focus Word?
  • What are the things in your life that you want to focus on?
  • Who are the people you are most focused on?
  • What you do to refuel, reorient, and restart?
  • How do you care for yourself in this process?

How often do you get to the end of another long and frantic day and wonder why so many important things didn’t get finished? We’ve never worked so hard and felt so unproductive and unfulfilled. 18 MINUTES takes this challenge and turns it on its head. Peter Bregman, top Harvard Business Review columnist and global management consultant, shatters the myth of getting it all done by offering a clear and simple plan for getting the right things done. He shows how the best way to fight distracting interruptions is to create productive ones ourselves, a practice that can be easily implemented in 18 minutes a day. The result is a simple yet comprehensive approach to managing your life a year, a day, and a moment at a time so that your life moves forward the way you want and at the pace you want.

Make a “No, Thank You” List for yourself or for your blog.

  • What things will you say “no, thank you” to when they come up?
  • How will you negotiate and say “yes” to the person and “no” to the task?

Know when to say, “no” and how to say it in a way that keeps doors open and leaves an impression that you are one who values commitments and is trustworthy and responsible.

Are you feeling empowered?

It is a lot to take in.

Take your time to answer the questions and make your lists.

Keep it in a journal and reflect on your choices and thoughts now and then.

Feel free to ask questions or share your thoughts in the comments.

Next, I will bring it to a close with the sixth tool in my “Get Your Rear in Gear for the Year” kit.

It’s all about celebration!

 

 

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9 responses to “Acknowledge Your Needs and Just Pause”

  1. […] Acknowledge Your Needs and Just Pause « Miz Meliz on Authenticity Means Real and Organic Means Chicken […]

  2. Lysa says:

    This was a wonderful post and one that I have definitely needed to read for some time now. By biggest fault, or in my eyes it’s a fault, is that I am always saying yes and doing for others to the point of physical exhaustion. I have always had such a hard time saying NO!

    In this post you offer some terrific tips and reasons why I should say no! I am going to try and implement them into my life so hopefully sooner than later I can start to say no at last!

    Thank you for linking up with us at Party Under the Big Top! I’m glad you were able to make it over to the #BigTopBlogParty this week! Hope to see you again at the next Party Under the Big Top too!

    Don’t forget we go LIVE every Monday night/Tuesday morning at midnight EST! Wishing you a fabulous week!

    Much love,

    Lysa xx
    Welcome to My Circus
    #BigTopBlogParty

  3. Mary Burris says:

    I love this. Learning to say no can be so difficult, but it is so vastly important.
    Thank you for tossing your hat into the ring at the Party Under The Big Top! I hope to see you again next week!
    #BigTopBlogParty

  4. Ann says:

    I think this was exactly what I needed today (probably tomorrow too).
    Thanks!

    • mizmeliz says:

      I know what you mean. Writing this has been a good reminder for me. In fact, I need to be reminded often. I just can’t do it all.

  5. T.O. Weller says:

    Thank you Melissa.

    I’ve been feeling pretty overwhelmed these days, working really hard and yet not seeing progress commensurate with the effort I’m putting in.

    Suddenly, yesterday, I felt this surge of anger, but I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from. So I took some time to reflect and remind myself what I really wanted when I started blogging three short months ago. It turns out I’ve allowed myself to get redirected.

    I ended up declaring this week my “say no” week, and seeing your post was an affirmation that I’m on the right track in doing that. I plan on stepping back, realigning and then making some adjustments.

    Again, thanks!

    • mizmeliz says:

      I am happy to hear that this post helped to affirm your plans. Throughout my blogging I have kept a list of my purpose for having the blog. I get a lot of opportunities these days that I am happy about but often lead me off track. Reviewing that list helps me to stay true to my own objectives. Did you see my post on mindmaps? That helps me a lot too!

  6. Jacqui says:

    I love this post, and it’s perfectly timed! I have had to say No to volunteering at the school (so happy you used that as an example), it just got to be too much. I have three kids so it’s easy for me to use them as an excuse, even though your tips are accurate and I shouldn’t offer them. —and being direct is also hard. I can’t imagine saying “I don’t want to.” I wonder why I’m like that?!

    Yesterday, when I was in Target, I thought about getting a notebook to do an activity like this. I am going to go back and get one and jot down your tips!

    • mizmeliz says:

      I am so glad this helped. It made a huge difference in my life when I started to say no to some things. It gets easier. Pick and choose what works best for you and you will do a far better job in the long run and be less stressed. As far as saying I dont want to… you might find it pleases the palate if you say something like, “I don’t want to take on more than I can chew right now, thanks for thinking of me. Please keep me in mind for next time.” OR “I don’t want to over-commit myself, you see my focus right now is keeping up with these three kids. As soon as I have some time to spare, I will let you know.” OR “I don’t want to make you think that I am just to busy to accept your offer, but it just isn’t a good time for me…” You get the idea.

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